I’m 30, therefore I have become quite accustomed, although not yet immune, to the constant parade of wedding and baby photos on Facebook. There are very few more depressing places to exist on the internet than Facebook when you are single and childless sometimes. It starts with the constant status updates about ‘my wonderful hubby’ and how ‘lucky I am to have such a man’. Although these don’t make me jealous, these make me a little sick in my mouth until the wonderful hubby runs off with someone else and I remember the bile-inducing statuses that once were and I smile to myself. Because yes, I am evil, and there is nothing more us single girls like more than karma and wedding shots that the bride looks fat in. The baby photos that pollute my feed currently don’t make my womb skip a beat, they make me call the nurse to book an appointment for a contraceptive implant. Yes, we get it, you can breed whereas our eggs have probably all dried up by now. but do we really have to see DAILY photo albums of the world’s ugliest child? Surely that thing should be hidden from public until it grows in to its face?
However, there is a new breed emerging on my wall that really makes me want to throw things at the computer. Not leastly because I think it’s a sign that I am officially getting old and should make my space on the shelf comfy because I’m going to get left up there. These are The Greedy Girls. These girls are in their late 20s and early 30s and are on husband number two. In fact, one has just left husband number two and is dating again. No doubt she’ll have landed number three before I’ve managed to get past date three let alone got engaged. Husband number one spent your mortgage money on cocaine and fucked his secretary or you found your wonderful hubby in bed with your slut of a sister (both happened!) or you just lied and said you really really wanted children so that you could get the white dress and big party but three years down the line you’ve had to admit you’re still taking the pill so he’s left you and got someone else up the duff within six months. I agree, your life really sucks and you’ve had it so much worse than the rest of us. What us single girls that have never been married really need to hear is that within a year of the divorce being finalised you are married again and, in most cases, pregnant. How have you found it that bloody easy to nab one of the few remaining marriable men on the market when some of us have been searching for years and can’t get past date three? Is it like a practice run the first time? So if I had one wedding under my belt I’d find The One next time around no problem? If I’d have known that I’d have ignored The Ex and his wayward cock and married the arsehole, safe in the knowledge that within 18 months The One would have replaced him.
If you are a Greedy Girl, please have some respect for your single sisters. Do not write all over Facebook that dating is ‘soooooo hard’ followed a week later with photos of a romantic weekend away for two. We have degrees in dating and don’t appreciate ex-smug marrieds swooping in and succeeding where we fail. And to all those newly-weds that think their husband is so wonderful… we’ll see you out on the playing field in a year!