Excuse me, my friend fancies you

I have threatened my male friends before with the ‘my friend fancies you’ line. If they spend too much time debating whether to approach a girl I threaten to do it for them unless they stop me. They invariably stop me. Not because they actually then talk to the girl. No, they just distract me with alcohol. I once got talking to a girl in the toilet queue to check out if she was single for a friend. She said she was. She also walked out of the toilets and proceeded to snog someone else. I told him she wasn’t.

Never have I had the line used on me. Until Saturday night.

There I was, dancing away on a raised stage (yes, I am 30, what of it?) when a girl came up to me to ask if I was single. I said yes, but I was also straight and she laughed. She explained that her friend (who we’ll call Kevin as I’ve no clue what his name was, it was 2am) was very shy and that Kevin would like to come and talk to me. Would that be ok?

Before I had a chance to think of a reason why the pale-faced, floppy haired Kevin was probably best talking to someone else he was in front of me, all wet lips and hopeful eyes. I was brought up to always be polite and even when steaming drunk in a nightclub at 2am I would like to think I still am. So I talked to him. I can’t remember what I said but it couldn’t have lasted long and I was searching over his shoulder for my friends the whole time. I do remember him launching in for a kiss so he wasn’t that bloody shy. Or maybe my politeness made him think he was in there. I ducked and ran.

Or at least I thought I did…

In the cab on the way home my phone beeped…

“Hey! Just to say you are stunning! I fly to France next week, would love to treat u to dinner? Xx”

I had no recollection of giving my number out, let alone the real one! But I figured it would all come back to me in the morning so I replied:

“That would be lovely, I’m free Tuesday”

(see, I’m awfully polite when pissed)

I didn’t work it out in the morning. In fact I was even more confused in the morning when he woke me up to say ‘good morning beautiful’. If I wasn’t retching because of the sambuca I was now. A few texts back and forth and nothing was shedding any light so I came out with it and asked him who the hell he was and when did I give him my number? Then he explained who he was, and the eager little face popped in to my head. I stopped replying. He then asked for my name… I would LOVE to know what he had me in his phone as because surely that is a key piece of information you acquire when asking for a girl’s number?

Anyway, the date never happened because he didn’t get in touch until after 8pm Tuesday and that was only to apologise for not getting in touch. Wasn’t that bothered to be honest so haven’t replied again.

Morals of this week’s blog?

If you don’t find a guy attractive, don’t give out your number.
Don’t talk to strangers after getting to the shallow end of a bottle of Grey Goose.
Don’t approach girls on you male friend’s behalf – he may be lovely but he’ll always be the ‘my mate fancies you’ guy.


A Little Forward

As many of you who follow me on Twitter know, I recently spent three days in the Middle East. Kuwait specifically. It was more for business than it was pleasure so my free time was limited, I did however get a couple of hours to explore a massive shopping mall, and mix with the locals. Some of them a little forward!

In the UK, one of the (many) annoying things about men is their inability to approach women. Usually the men that chat me up are drunk, desperate or in relationships and looking for a bit on the side. You can spend hours making eyes at a cute boy across the room before he gets the hint and comes over. My male friends never approach girls yet will bemoan the fact they are single. What’s the worse that can happen boys? We say we are not interested so you move on. No girl is going to be rude and obnoxious about your approach because it’s flattering, unless of course they are a complete bitch and if that’s the case then you’ve actually had a lucky escape.

In Kuwait boys do not have this problem with nerves. In Kuwait they are a little too forward for an innocent Westerner like me!

I was stood outside a shop in the mall talking to a friend whilst we waited for another of our party to try something on. As we were chatting away a Kuwaiti boy in his twenties approached us and said he could guess our nationality by our accents. I had flashbacks to the Mind Reader from earlier blogs. When he got our nationalities wrong twice I definitely getting flashbacks. We eventually revealed we were British and were in town for business meetings and his friend approached asking:

“Are you trying to chat these girls up?”

Our Kuwaiti explained that yes he was. I turned to the friend and agreed that yes, he was trying, but trying and failing. Mr Smooth then turned to his friend and asked where the nearest hotel was so he could just ‘get it out the way’ with both of us. There was only one thing to do… laugh and walk back in to the shop out of the way.

Whilst I am sure the boy was joking it did make me think about the approaches that boys use with girls. The British reserve can mean that our men waste time and fail to talk to attractive women whilst some other cultures just admit they are only after one thing and dive straight in there. How hard is it to find a happy medium?